I have to get this out before I lose my nerve. I haven't posted in so long and it isn't for lack of trying. I am going to list my drafts since the last post.
01/08 - Books that Shaped my Life
18/08 - I'm Back
21/08 - Abdicate
26/08 - What's the World Coming to
01/09 - Matthew Grey Gubler
11/09 - Why oh Why?
24/09 - The Baby
So over the past two months I have tried and tried to write something and it all seems stupid and unimportant, even though none of it is.
The reason I am writing this now is because I am going insane; I have to say something before I explode with secrets and my biggest one is this. I am attracted to a much older man, not old enough to be my father, but old enough to matter. I can't help how I feel, he is amazing. I don't idolize him like I do other men, I respect him, and I want to be loved by him. The problem is I know that he only thinks of me as a kid. That word, Kid annoys me more than any other word. I am so sick of being seen as a kid, as someone’s sweet little sister, someone to be trusted with all secrets. I like to hear about other people, and am happy they confide in me because I will keep their secrets. I am like a bank vault, all my secrets, and others secrets are locked inside and the only way to get to them is by codes, keys, and by passing guards. The difference between a human vault and a bank vault is sometimes they overflow and the only way to stop them from exploding is by writing them down. So before I explode and have everyone’s secrets lying on the floor and myself in a million pieces. I am getting rid of my biggest most shameful secret. All I want to do is tell one person, but I know from experience that two can't keep a secret. So I am posting it to the world, to release some tension.
He is nothing like any guy I have liked before. I usually am attracted to the wide, short dark haired, green eyes and athletic type. The Older Man is tall, very tall; He just passes through door frames tall. He is skinny, not in an anorexic way, just in a naturally tall thin way. He has beautiful eyes that seem blue but at a closer glance they have a shimmering of green like the ocean, his eyes tell stories, that is so corny but it is true, if it wasn't considered 'creepy' I would probably stare into his eyes forever. He has sandy blonde hair, the colour achieved by hair that might have been a darker blonde to begin with but with lots of time in the sun it has turned a sandy colour. He has beautiful lips, not overly big, and nowhere near small, lips built by Gods. His looks aren't what do it though, the second I met TOM (ha-ha Tom that can be his name) I just felt something for him. Something I have never felt for anyone. Now that I know him the feeling combines with all out desire, he is such as amazing person who cares for what is going on in the world and wants others to know about it.
The first time he hugged me I pulled away pretty quickly, because, well, I was afraid that I would hold him for too long and that it would seem weird. When I talk to him, I can’t look at him the whole time because I don’t want him to think I am staring. I have a feeling that he knows how I feel about him and that is so embarrassing, if only I was five years older, could talk to men more easily and was drop dead gorgeous (not that I believe he goes for looks, even though I am sure they play some role).
The saddest part of this whole story, apart from not being able to say a word to anyone, is that I never see him, sure sometimes, try every eight months. When I do though, my whole existence revolves around him, honestly I know where he is at all times when he is around and if I don't I wonder where the hell he could be. I have reached a new level, a level I never ever wanted to reach. I have become obsessed with someone who I want so badly who I know, with almost certainty that I can never ever have. I am what I would call pathetic and as much as I am pathetic I can't help it. I don't care about guys my own age, the immature dickheads; the only person I care about is Tom. I guess if I was the type of person I would pray that god made something possible between us, but I'm not and all I can pray for is that I have help in getting over him. The worst part is that he is so close, and yet so unreachable.
Jane asked me who I liked, and I told her no one, I lied of course I lied I can't tell her I like Tom. She would laugh at my ignorance or feel sorry for me; I couldn't deal with either scenario at the moment. This is something I am going to have to deal with all on my own.
So here is to me, being the type of girl that I hate. What a sad life I am leading.
P.S. I am going to be a real Aunty (As opposed to an Aunty to a sister I don’t know), Janie is pregnant
