It's Been a Long Time: That Time Of The Week

Alright it has been a while since my last post. I have no idea why I haven't updated, whenever I have a spare moment I am usually reading or something as geeky. First of all I would like to say my mum’s partner is okay. He got out of the hospital them same day he went in and wasn't in to bad a condition (apart from the fact that he had a heart attack).


I started back at school last week and have to say I am not to excited about it. My friends have been in tears, and I have felt a little out of place. I have decided that I want to write a short story and enter it into one of those short story competitions so that I can earn some money. I have to do this because no one seems to want to hire me, they won't even give me an interview, I guess even doing a mission trip, and volunteering work and having a barista license still doesn't make me look hireable. I wish looking for a part time job would be easier. *sigh*

So anyway, rather than updating here I have been leaving myself drafts in my mobile and jotting notes on pieces of paper, so when I felt like it I could update. Here goes.

I looked at the scar on my forehead a few nights ago and I was sad because it is almost non-existent. Most women are self conscious of the scars they obtain. I'm not one of them. I love the little scar that frames my homely face, giving it a point of difference. I know I'm not beautiful and I have come to accept the fact that my cheeks are too pudgy, my eyes too small and my hair curly rather than the 'sexy' straight that everyone seems to want. The scar on my head some people may have seen as another poor feature on an average face. But this scar isn't like those features, I gave it to myself when I was young because of stupidity and recklessness and I love that side of myself. The scar reminds me of a courageous foolishness. I wish I was the same now, I wish I could remake the scar. I wish I was never hurt enough to feel barely held together and the strongest jolt could shatter me. I spoke about scars a while ago, but not how much my own mean to me, they remind me of good times, not bad.

I had an unexpected reunion a few weeks ago, the worst part of the whole reunion thing is when the people you are talking to remember you but you have trouble remembering them. I didn't know who the two men were who remembered me as a little girl, to begin with. Understandably I guess, the older man, was one of my closest friends in primary school's father, I remembered him as tall, attractive and really nice. I hadn't thought about he or his family in years so when I met the now heaver, bearded greying man it was no surprise that I couldn't remember him. The other man I met again is my old friends brother, when I last saw him he was probably 14 or 15 tall and skinny with short brown hair and a little nerdy, so that is how I remember him. At 10 and 11 I had a crush on him, I remember I liked going over to theirs when he was around, then again it could have just been an attraction to a brotherly figure.

I always remember one day he and one of his friends was watching the Chopper Reed movie and my friend and I decided to watch it with them, both of us pretending to braver than the guys. We watched it at pretty gruesome time though when chopper was getting his ears cut off. My friend’s brother thought it would be funny to tell us that Chopper's head was getting chopped off. I decided I wasn't as brave as I wanted them to believe and walked out.

I had it in my head for so long that Chopper was getting his head cut off, until my own brother watched it about four years later and informed me that he was actually getting his ears cut off so he could get out of prison.

Something that was such an insignificant memory for some reason has stuck in my mind. Sure I remember other little things about him, but not as strongly as that day.

So when i met the new, very attractive man, there was no surprise that I didn't remember him. It was strange to see this muscular good-looking man to the boy who I could remember. If only I wasn't so disappointed in my own appearance. I am pretty sure I don't look too much different from the young girl they remember, sure I have grown boobs, shot up, lost some baby fat and look more mature. But I am not a woman, I am not a rebel, I was not memorable back then and I am certainly not memorable now. I guess that sounds depressing but it is true. Why would people feel the need to remember me? And honestly I have trouble remembering them. It isn't ignorance and I DON NOT believe I am better than they are I have just tried to push away the memories from my primary school days not because of my friends, just because I didn't like who I was back then and people used that to torment me. This obviously made me hate myself even more and pull away from them. Changing schools was my life jacket, in a way it saved me from myself.

I was weak in primary school, which I never want to be again. I could never be weak towards the people I know, if I do I know they will walk all over me. I am strong not only for myself but for the people around me. Men are not attracted to girl/ women like me, I am not feminine enough to keep their interests. Even though I know I shouldn’t be so strong all the time, I just cannot let go of it. It isn't even that I have built a wall around me; it is that I have built the strongest most challenging barricade around myself and it is almost impossible to break it down. It is disgusting to know that due to how I was treated growing up I may be to distant to ever be loved, which I guess is a scary thought. I don't expect prince charming to rescue me... but that doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. I think when you move past my strong façade you see me as I am and that person (if I do say so myself) is great in her own way (I am now speaking in third person).

THAT TIME OF THE WEEK SPECIAL

Okay so this time of the week I am going to start with secrets (always love those secrets)

First Up is...

I thought this was fitting due to that fact that I just got rid of my glasses and I am looking forward to not having to wear my contacts. I don't think of all the beautiful and happy moments mine have seen because I am too busy trying to work out how to stop my eyes from being so dry. Good riddance to dry eyes!

Second Up is...

I wish that guys would learn how to be confident; it is really dissatisfying being a girl an knowing a guy likes you and yet he isn't brave enough to do something about it! Get some confidence and tell her, isn't it better if she knows, what is the worst that can happen? Doing nothing is failing trying is succeeding!

Third Up is (this is tripple secret special)...

I like the fact that this says 'IKEA' in the bottom right hand corner, seems that someone was looking for a deal. Anyway I thought this was sweet.

Okay So first book/ author of the week is... 

It has been such a long time since I have felt an author can reach Susan Elizabeth Phillips level of writing. I love SEP, and when I found out about Linda Howard I thought 'what the hell I might as well see if I like the books' and to my surprise I absolutely loved 'Shades Of Twilight' I was a little confused at first when the book is suppose to be set, but this didn't rewind the book. In fact I could not put it down. I am amazed and excited that I have come across two authors who have engaged me. Now more reading material to bask in while I wait for SEP newest novel to come out. Thanks Linda Howard for not disappointing me (I have also read 'All that Glitters' and loved it to)!  

Second Book/ Author is...

How could I leave out the amazing Kathy Love, this women turned me into a romance book lover. I can't forget to thank her for writing 'Fangs for the Memories' (and all the other vampire series). She changed my view on sex; honestly I was naive about it until I read her books. I guess the only way to really know about sex is to read about it until I actually have it. So Kath, and I call her Kath because I feel so close to this amazing lady (even though I have never met her), here is a big imaginary hug. If I hadn't read KL books I would still be reading teenage romance or my mum’s boring thrillers!

The Third Author for the Week is...

Jennifer Weiner, I absolutely love this book. The best comedy/ romance I have read I couldn't stop laughing. She isn't the best romance novelist, but she sure is a great comedy author. I loved the character Cannie and want to be just like her. Thanks JW, you rock!

I am going to do an extra special post for books that have inspired me in the next two or three weeks.

Now For Music

First Up is...

I love this song; Bethany Joy has an amazing voice. 'One Tree Hill' is one of the best shows on TV! 

Second Up is...

FUN. This band is brilliant my favourite songs of theirs are 'Walking the dog' and 'All the Pretty Girls' but I love all of them. Great band!

The Third and Final band/ singer is...

   

Kate Miller-Heidke's best song is 'Caught in the Crowd' such and all empowering song. I love it!

Now for the movie of the week

First Up is...

'Grown Ups', I saw this in the cinema twice and thought it was hilarious both times. All I know is that Arrow roulette is crazy awesome. Such a funny movie!

Second Up is...

An Oldie, but a greatie. I love 'Gone With The Wind' I try to watch it at least once a year because I love it so much. It is really long though so I have to have a whole day undisturbed to watch it. The quote 'Tomorrow is another day' is better than 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.' both happen to be the last quotes in the movie and Scarlett O’Hara is a starts with B ends in ITCH to Rhett Butler (who I happen to love). Just so memorable!

Last but not least is...

'All about Steve' I love this movie; I thought it was funny and light hearted. Sandra Bullocks character is great and I am not just saying that because she is one of my favourite actress's. (Isn't Bradley Cooper HOT?)

I am going to add in a few quotes, just because I am pissed with people in my grade with think searching a quote sight is a good past time, I don't think any of them have ever heard of reading a book, watching a movie, or listening to a song. I hate being a cheat. So here are a few diverse quotes.


 Firstly...

Love is something eternal. The aspect may change, but not the essence.


(Vincent VanGoh)

Secondly...

Fate is like a strange unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never ask for and don't always like.


(Lemony Snicket’s ‘the slippery Slope: Book Ten’)

Thirdly...

Life is a blank page. Each person holds their pen and writes their own story.


(Natasha Bedingfield)

Lastly...

The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars and those stars lead you back home.


(One Tree Hill – Lucas Scott)

Tah Dah, look I am brilliant I watched shows, listened to music, read books/ art articals and found these quotes without going on a quote website. Screw You All!

Okay I am off now, have a good night.

I have read many books and felt sad and upset when characters have suffered from illnesses that have taken them off guard. I cried for made-up characters, and yet never thought I would truly understand what it would feel like to know someone who suddenly had a heart attack or stroke. Until today, my mum just told me her partner had a heart attack and is being taken to the hospital. Unlike in the novels I read tears haven't struck me harshly yet, I am upset and worried and want to make sure he is okay, but it isn't like how they explain it to be in the novels. Your hope doesn't die, and a small part of me somewhere feels that he is going to be okay, even though we don't know anything. I guess the severity of it won't hit me until I go to the hospital. Does that make me a terrible person? Who's built up a wall around her heart to protect her from seeing things clearly? It feels to that the heart attack has happened to a character in one of the novels I like to read, you know it is upsetting but it isn't actually happening. It is happening though, it is happening right now, and he could die.


The ironic thing is, is that I wanted my mum’s Ex- Partner to have a heart attack so much. I wished he would just drop dead so that I wouldn't have to live with him anymore. Finally after a long time my mum left him and found a man who I really like, who is nice and I honestly believe would protect my mother (this is hard for me to come to terms with due to my past with men). This man who I don't want to suffer, who makes my mum happy, is now the one who is having heart attacks, even though I wished it on someone else for so long. Does that make me to blame, somehow it just took my requests a long time to be answered and when they were they hit the wrong person. If he dies, will there always be a part of me that believes I am responsible because in some twisted way my words mean more than I thought. I thought I was a good person, but how can I be when anger sat inside me for so long that I was blinded by my own hatefulness which consumed me, until finally I was set free, and now someone else is paying for my own despicableness, the wrong person in fact.

Heart Fails You,
By Amanda G
Your heart fails you,
What's left to do?
Weep over past mistakes?
Begin life with a fresh take?
Make up your mind,
What will you leave behind?
Don’t wait
It could be too late
And then your heart fails you.

Okay this poem may seem lame, but it is honestly the first poem I have written that doesn't have to do with school work. I hope it makes sense for my situation, I am trying to distract myself so now I am gonna go clean the house, it is a cliché thing to do when you are upset but honestly it keeps your mind off what is happening and keeps you moving (I think the chemicals help a little too).