I have read many books and felt sad and upset when characters have suffered from illnesses that have taken them off guard. I cried for made-up characters, and yet never thought I would truly understand what it would feel like to know someone who suddenly had a heart attack or stroke. Until today, my mum just told me her partner had a heart attack and is being taken to the hospital. Unlike in the novels I read tears haven't struck me harshly yet, I am upset and worried and want to make sure he is okay, but it isn't like how they explain it to be in the novels. Your hope doesn't die, and a small part of me somewhere feels that he is going to be okay, even though we don't know anything. I guess the severity of it won't hit me until I go to the hospital. Does that make me a terrible person? Who's built up a wall around her heart to protect her from seeing things clearly? It feels to that the heart attack has happened to a character in one of the novels I like to read, you know it is upsetting but it isn't actually happening. It is happening though, it is happening right now, and he could die.


The ironic thing is, is that I wanted my mum’s Ex- Partner to have a heart attack so much. I wished he would just drop dead so that I wouldn't have to live with him anymore. Finally after a long time my mum left him and found a man who I really like, who is nice and I honestly believe would protect my mother (this is hard for me to come to terms with due to my past with men). This man who I don't want to suffer, who makes my mum happy, is now the one who is having heart attacks, even though I wished it on someone else for so long. Does that make me to blame, somehow it just took my requests a long time to be answered and when they were they hit the wrong person. If he dies, will there always be a part of me that believes I am responsible because in some twisted way my words mean more than I thought. I thought I was a good person, but how can I be when anger sat inside me for so long that I was blinded by my own hatefulness which consumed me, until finally I was set free, and now someone else is paying for my own despicableness, the wrong person in fact.

Heart Fails You,
By Amanda G
Your heart fails you,
What's left to do?
Weep over past mistakes?
Begin life with a fresh take?
Make up your mind,
What will you leave behind?
Don’t wait
It could be too late
And then your heart fails you.

Okay this poem may seem lame, but it is honestly the first poem I have written that doesn't have to do with school work. I hope it makes sense for my situation, I am trying to distract myself so now I am gonna go clean the house, it is a cliché thing to do when you are upset but honestly it keeps your mind off what is happening and keeps you moving (I think the chemicals help a little too).