The Voice of God

It ends up being a really long time since I last updated my blog and the only reason for not doing it is that I honestly didn't think there was anything to important to talk about. I haven't really thought about Tom at all (well until this moment). It is funny that now at the most inappropriate time that I feel the need to post. Time to catch up (not that anyone reads this blog it just feels good to write something in ink so to speak). For the past few months my life has been decidedly uneventful. I had a job, I lost a job. I liked a guy, I disliked a guy, Jane got married, I moved house, I fought with friends, etc.

Life is just not what I want it to be I guess, I am not really happy with how anything has turned out. My emotions are on a rollercoaster at the moment. Something unimportant makes me weep. School is over and I feel so... alone. No one understands me, and I just wish that someone did, because I am starting to have great difficulty understanding myself. I am losing myself slowly and I have a feeling that I may be heading back on the road of depression. I hate that feeling, I want to be okay, I want to be happy and ultimately I want to be loved unconditionally.

I feel like I have to be someone different around everyone, some of my friends think I am too Christian while others don't think I am Christian enough. My family think I am a prude, especially my sister. I don't want to have to be something else to be happy, is it so bad to want to be myself? Is it a crime to be who I am and also be loved whole heartedly for that person?

I am so, so scared, of life, of always being alone, of always being considered weird and unlovable. Because of this I act like a turtle hiding back in her shell, the only emotion apart from being neutral I can show is anger, and sometimes happiness, not that I really know what that is. I am not sure what other emotions their are, a lot of the time I cry because I am angry, so angry I am suffocated by it. I make excuses all the time, I lie constantly, because I don't know how else to protect myself, I have been weekend to much in my life to show myself freely.

I am screwed up so badly, I want to be rescued for once in my life, rather than being the hero (not that I am saying I am a hero, just that I mean I always notice other peoples pain and try to help but no one ever notices mine). I want someone to notice how I carry my scars and instead of ignore them, help me! Because I can't help myself. I can't admit to anyone how much I need help. I know that depression isn't a disease and it is suppose to be okay to tell someone, but how in the hell is it suppose to be okay. My mother and sister won't believe anything is wrong and my friends are too immature to know what to do. I have to save myself, again.

I am losing God, I have prayed to him every night since I was 14 and now I am 17 and for some reason my heart just isn't there anymore. I hate churches, I dislike the unrealistic way Christians live and I dislike the way those who preach judge others like you wouldn't believe. I don't like being confused about things written in the bible and I hate that I think God has left me. I don't feel his presence. I need him though, as much as I did when I was 14. I am so afraid that I won't be a writer, that I won't make it, that I won't have a family, that I won't be able to move out of home. I need God to give me strength because all of mine is gone. I am afraid that I will love my sisters child unconditionally and I won't be loved back.

Where has God gone?

P.S. Christmas is going to suck!