The Voice of God

It ends up being a really long time since I last updated my blog and the only reason for not doing it is that I honestly didn't think there was anything to important to talk about. I haven't really thought about Tom at all (well until this moment). It is funny that now at the most inappropriate time that I feel the need to post. Time to catch up (not that anyone reads this blog it just feels good to write something in ink so to speak). For the past few months my life has been decidedly uneventful. I had a job, I lost a job. I liked a guy, I disliked a guy, Jane got married, I moved house, I fought with friends, etc.

Life is just not what I want it to be I guess, I am not really happy with how anything has turned out. My emotions are on a rollercoaster at the moment. Something unimportant makes me weep. School is over and I feel so... alone. No one understands me, and I just wish that someone did, because I am starting to have great difficulty understanding myself. I am losing myself slowly and I have a feeling that I may be heading back on the road of depression. I hate that feeling, I want to be okay, I want to be happy and ultimately I want to be loved unconditionally.

I feel like I have to be someone different around everyone, some of my friends think I am too Christian while others don't think I am Christian enough. My family think I am a prude, especially my sister. I don't want to have to be something else to be happy, is it so bad to want to be myself? Is it a crime to be who I am and also be loved whole heartedly for that person?

I am so, so scared, of life, of always being alone, of always being considered weird and unlovable. Because of this I act like a turtle hiding back in her shell, the only emotion apart from being neutral I can show is anger, and sometimes happiness, not that I really know what that is. I am not sure what other emotions their are, a lot of the time I cry because I am angry, so angry I am suffocated by it. I make excuses all the time, I lie constantly, because I don't know how else to protect myself, I have been weekend to much in my life to show myself freely.

I am screwed up so badly, I want to be rescued for once in my life, rather than being the hero (not that I am saying I am a hero, just that I mean I always notice other peoples pain and try to help but no one ever notices mine). I want someone to notice how I carry my scars and instead of ignore them, help me! Because I can't help myself. I can't admit to anyone how much I need help. I know that depression isn't a disease and it is suppose to be okay to tell someone, but how in the hell is it suppose to be okay. My mother and sister won't believe anything is wrong and my friends are too immature to know what to do. I have to save myself, again.

I am losing God, I have prayed to him every night since I was 14 and now I am 17 and for some reason my heart just isn't there anymore. I hate churches, I dislike the unrealistic way Christians live and I dislike the way those who preach judge others like you wouldn't believe. I don't like being confused about things written in the bible and I hate that I think God has left me. I don't feel his presence. I need him though, as much as I did when I was 14. I am so afraid that I won't be a writer, that I won't make it, that I won't have a family, that I won't be able to move out of home. I need God to give me strength because all of mine is gone. I am afraid that I will love my sisters child unconditionally and I won't be loved back.

Where has God gone?

P.S. Christmas is going to suck!

The Older Man

I have to get this out before I lose my nerve. I haven't posted in so long and it isn't for lack of trying. I am going to list my drafts since the last post.

01/08 - Books that Shaped my Life

18/08 - I'm Back

21/08 - Abdicate

26/08 - What's the World Coming to

01/09 - Matthew Grey Gubler

11/09 - Why oh Why?

24/09 - The Baby

So over the past two months I have tried and tried to write something and it all seems stupid and unimportant, even though none of it is.

The reason I am writing this now is because I am going insane; I have to say something before I explode with secrets and my biggest one is this. I am attracted to a much older man, not old enough to be my father, but old enough to matter. I can't help how I feel, he is amazing. I don't idolize him like I do other men, I respect him, and I want to be loved by him. The problem is I know that he only thinks of me as a kid. That word, Kid annoys me more than any other word. I am so sick of being seen as a kid, as someone’s sweet little sister, someone to be trusted with all secrets. I like to hear about other people, and am happy they confide in me because I will keep their secrets. I am like a bank vault, all my secrets, and others secrets are locked inside and the only way to get to them is by codes, keys, and by passing guards. The difference between a human vault and a bank vault is sometimes they overflow and the only way to stop them from exploding is by writing them down. So before I explode and have everyone’s secrets lying on the floor and myself in a million pieces. I am getting rid of my biggest most shameful secret. All I want to do is tell one person, but I know from experience that two can't keep a secret. So I am posting it to the world, to release some tension.

He is nothing like any guy I have liked before. I usually am attracted to the wide, short dark haired, green eyes and athletic type. The Older Man is tall, very tall; He just passes through door frames tall. He is skinny, not in an anorexic way, just in a naturally tall thin way. He has beautiful eyes that seem blue but at a closer glance they have a shimmering of green like the ocean, his eyes tell stories, that is so corny but it is true, if it wasn't considered 'creepy' I would probably stare into his eyes forever. He has sandy blonde hair, the colour achieved by hair that might have been a darker blonde to begin with but with lots of time in the sun it has turned a sandy colour. He has beautiful lips, not overly big, and nowhere near small, lips built by Gods. His looks aren't what do it though, the second I met TOM (ha-ha Tom that can be his name) I just felt something for him. Something I have never felt for anyone. Now that I know him the feeling combines with all out desire, he is such as amazing person who cares for what is going on in the world and wants others to know about it.

The first time he hugged me I pulled away pretty quickly, because, well, I was afraid that I would hold him for too long and that it would seem weird. When I talk to him, I can’t look at him the whole time because I don’t want him to think I am staring. I have a feeling that he knows how I feel about him and that is so embarrassing, if only I was five years older, could talk to men more easily and was drop dead gorgeous (not that I believe he goes for looks, even though I am sure they play some role).

The saddest part of this whole story, apart from not being able to say a word to anyone, is that I never see him, sure sometimes, try every eight months. When I do though, my whole existence revolves around him, honestly I know where he is at all times when he is around and if I don't I wonder where the hell he could be. I have reached a new level, a level I never ever wanted to reach. I have become obsessed with someone who I want so badly who I know, with almost certainty that I can never ever have. I am what I would call pathetic and as much as I am pathetic I can't help it. I don't care about guys my own age, the immature dickheads; the only person I care about is Tom. I guess if I was the type of person I would pray that god made something possible between us, but I'm not and all I can pray for is that I have help in getting over him. The worst part is that he is so close, and yet so unreachable.

Jane asked me who I liked, and I told her no one, I lied of course I lied I can't tell her I like Tom. She would laugh at my ignorance or feel sorry for me; I couldn't deal with either scenario at the moment. This is something I am going to have to deal with all on my own.

So here is to me, being the type of girl that I hate. What a sad life I am leading.

P.S. I am going to be a real Aunty (As opposed to an Aunty to a sister I don’t know), Janie is pregnant

It's Been a Long Time: That Time Of The Week

Alright it has been a while since my last post. I have no idea why I haven't updated, whenever I have a spare moment I am usually reading or something as geeky. First of all I would like to say my mum’s partner is okay. He got out of the hospital them same day he went in and wasn't in to bad a condition (apart from the fact that he had a heart attack).


I started back at school last week and have to say I am not to excited about it. My friends have been in tears, and I have felt a little out of place. I have decided that I want to write a short story and enter it into one of those short story competitions so that I can earn some money. I have to do this because no one seems to want to hire me, they won't even give me an interview, I guess even doing a mission trip, and volunteering work and having a barista license still doesn't make me look hireable. I wish looking for a part time job would be easier. *sigh*

So anyway, rather than updating here I have been leaving myself drafts in my mobile and jotting notes on pieces of paper, so when I felt like it I could update. Here goes.

I looked at the scar on my forehead a few nights ago and I was sad because it is almost non-existent. Most women are self conscious of the scars they obtain. I'm not one of them. I love the little scar that frames my homely face, giving it a point of difference. I know I'm not beautiful and I have come to accept the fact that my cheeks are too pudgy, my eyes too small and my hair curly rather than the 'sexy' straight that everyone seems to want. The scar on my head some people may have seen as another poor feature on an average face. But this scar isn't like those features, I gave it to myself when I was young because of stupidity and recklessness and I love that side of myself. The scar reminds me of a courageous foolishness. I wish I was the same now, I wish I could remake the scar. I wish I was never hurt enough to feel barely held together and the strongest jolt could shatter me. I spoke about scars a while ago, but not how much my own mean to me, they remind me of good times, not bad.

I had an unexpected reunion a few weeks ago, the worst part of the whole reunion thing is when the people you are talking to remember you but you have trouble remembering them. I didn't know who the two men were who remembered me as a little girl, to begin with. Understandably I guess, the older man, was one of my closest friends in primary school's father, I remembered him as tall, attractive and really nice. I hadn't thought about he or his family in years so when I met the now heaver, bearded greying man it was no surprise that I couldn't remember him. The other man I met again is my old friends brother, when I last saw him he was probably 14 or 15 tall and skinny with short brown hair and a little nerdy, so that is how I remember him. At 10 and 11 I had a crush on him, I remember I liked going over to theirs when he was around, then again it could have just been an attraction to a brotherly figure.

I always remember one day he and one of his friends was watching the Chopper Reed movie and my friend and I decided to watch it with them, both of us pretending to braver than the guys. We watched it at pretty gruesome time though when chopper was getting his ears cut off. My friend’s brother thought it would be funny to tell us that Chopper's head was getting chopped off. I decided I wasn't as brave as I wanted them to believe and walked out.

I had it in my head for so long that Chopper was getting his head cut off, until my own brother watched it about four years later and informed me that he was actually getting his ears cut off so he could get out of prison.

Something that was such an insignificant memory for some reason has stuck in my mind. Sure I remember other little things about him, but not as strongly as that day.

So when i met the new, very attractive man, there was no surprise that I didn't remember him. It was strange to see this muscular good-looking man to the boy who I could remember. If only I wasn't so disappointed in my own appearance. I am pretty sure I don't look too much different from the young girl they remember, sure I have grown boobs, shot up, lost some baby fat and look more mature. But I am not a woman, I am not a rebel, I was not memorable back then and I am certainly not memorable now. I guess that sounds depressing but it is true. Why would people feel the need to remember me? And honestly I have trouble remembering them. It isn't ignorance and I DON NOT believe I am better than they are I have just tried to push away the memories from my primary school days not because of my friends, just because I didn't like who I was back then and people used that to torment me. This obviously made me hate myself even more and pull away from them. Changing schools was my life jacket, in a way it saved me from myself.

I was weak in primary school, which I never want to be again. I could never be weak towards the people I know, if I do I know they will walk all over me. I am strong not only for myself but for the people around me. Men are not attracted to girl/ women like me, I am not feminine enough to keep their interests. Even though I know I shouldn’t be so strong all the time, I just cannot let go of it. It isn't even that I have built a wall around me; it is that I have built the strongest most challenging barricade around myself and it is almost impossible to break it down. It is disgusting to know that due to how I was treated growing up I may be to distant to ever be loved, which I guess is a scary thought. I don't expect prince charming to rescue me... but that doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. I think when you move past my strong façade you see me as I am and that person (if I do say so myself) is great in her own way (I am now speaking in third person).

THAT TIME OF THE WEEK SPECIAL

Okay so this time of the week I am going to start with secrets (always love those secrets)

First Up is...

I thought this was fitting due to that fact that I just got rid of my glasses and I am looking forward to not having to wear my contacts. I don't think of all the beautiful and happy moments mine have seen because I am too busy trying to work out how to stop my eyes from being so dry. Good riddance to dry eyes!

Second Up is...

I wish that guys would learn how to be confident; it is really dissatisfying being a girl an knowing a guy likes you and yet he isn't brave enough to do something about it! Get some confidence and tell her, isn't it better if she knows, what is the worst that can happen? Doing nothing is failing trying is succeeding!

Third Up is (this is tripple secret special)...

I like the fact that this says 'IKEA' in the bottom right hand corner, seems that someone was looking for a deal. Anyway I thought this was sweet.

Okay So first book/ author of the week is... 

It has been such a long time since I have felt an author can reach Susan Elizabeth Phillips level of writing. I love SEP, and when I found out about Linda Howard I thought 'what the hell I might as well see if I like the books' and to my surprise I absolutely loved 'Shades Of Twilight' I was a little confused at first when the book is suppose to be set, but this didn't rewind the book. In fact I could not put it down. I am amazed and excited that I have come across two authors who have engaged me. Now more reading material to bask in while I wait for SEP newest novel to come out. Thanks Linda Howard for not disappointing me (I have also read 'All that Glitters' and loved it to)!  

Second Book/ Author is...

How could I leave out the amazing Kathy Love, this women turned me into a romance book lover. I can't forget to thank her for writing 'Fangs for the Memories' (and all the other vampire series). She changed my view on sex; honestly I was naive about it until I read her books. I guess the only way to really know about sex is to read about it until I actually have it. So Kath, and I call her Kath because I feel so close to this amazing lady (even though I have never met her), here is a big imaginary hug. If I hadn't read KL books I would still be reading teenage romance or my mum’s boring thrillers!

The Third Author for the Week is...

Jennifer Weiner, I absolutely love this book. The best comedy/ romance I have read I couldn't stop laughing. She isn't the best romance novelist, but she sure is a great comedy author. I loved the character Cannie and want to be just like her. Thanks JW, you rock!

I am going to do an extra special post for books that have inspired me in the next two or three weeks.

Now For Music

First Up is...

I love this song; Bethany Joy has an amazing voice. 'One Tree Hill' is one of the best shows on TV! 

Second Up is...

FUN. This band is brilliant my favourite songs of theirs are 'Walking the dog' and 'All the Pretty Girls' but I love all of them. Great band!

The Third and Final band/ singer is...

   

Kate Miller-Heidke's best song is 'Caught in the Crowd' such and all empowering song. I love it!

Now for the movie of the week

First Up is...

'Grown Ups', I saw this in the cinema twice and thought it was hilarious both times. All I know is that Arrow roulette is crazy awesome. Such a funny movie!

Second Up is...

An Oldie, but a greatie. I love 'Gone With The Wind' I try to watch it at least once a year because I love it so much. It is really long though so I have to have a whole day undisturbed to watch it. The quote 'Tomorrow is another day' is better than 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.' both happen to be the last quotes in the movie and Scarlett O’Hara is a starts with B ends in ITCH to Rhett Butler (who I happen to love). Just so memorable!

Last but not least is...

'All about Steve' I love this movie; I thought it was funny and light hearted. Sandra Bullocks character is great and I am not just saying that because she is one of my favourite actress's. (Isn't Bradley Cooper HOT?)

I am going to add in a few quotes, just because I am pissed with people in my grade with think searching a quote sight is a good past time, I don't think any of them have ever heard of reading a book, watching a movie, or listening to a song. I hate being a cheat. So here are a few diverse quotes.


 Firstly...

Love is something eternal. The aspect may change, but not the essence.


(Vincent VanGoh)

Secondly...

Fate is like a strange unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never ask for and don't always like.


(Lemony Snicket’s ‘the slippery Slope: Book Ten’)

Thirdly...

Life is a blank page. Each person holds their pen and writes their own story.


(Natasha Bedingfield)

Lastly...

The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars and those stars lead you back home.


(One Tree Hill – Lucas Scott)

Tah Dah, look I am brilliant I watched shows, listened to music, read books/ art articals and found these quotes without going on a quote website. Screw You All!

Okay I am off now, have a good night.

I have read many books and felt sad and upset when characters have suffered from illnesses that have taken them off guard. I cried for made-up characters, and yet never thought I would truly understand what it would feel like to know someone who suddenly had a heart attack or stroke. Until today, my mum just told me her partner had a heart attack and is being taken to the hospital. Unlike in the novels I read tears haven't struck me harshly yet, I am upset and worried and want to make sure he is okay, but it isn't like how they explain it to be in the novels. Your hope doesn't die, and a small part of me somewhere feels that he is going to be okay, even though we don't know anything. I guess the severity of it won't hit me until I go to the hospital. Does that make me a terrible person? Who's built up a wall around her heart to protect her from seeing things clearly? It feels to that the heart attack has happened to a character in one of the novels I like to read, you know it is upsetting but it isn't actually happening. It is happening though, it is happening right now, and he could die.


The ironic thing is, is that I wanted my mum’s Ex- Partner to have a heart attack so much. I wished he would just drop dead so that I wouldn't have to live with him anymore. Finally after a long time my mum left him and found a man who I really like, who is nice and I honestly believe would protect my mother (this is hard for me to come to terms with due to my past with men). This man who I don't want to suffer, who makes my mum happy, is now the one who is having heart attacks, even though I wished it on someone else for so long. Does that make me to blame, somehow it just took my requests a long time to be answered and when they were they hit the wrong person. If he dies, will there always be a part of me that believes I am responsible because in some twisted way my words mean more than I thought. I thought I was a good person, but how can I be when anger sat inside me for so long that I was blinded by my own hatefulness which consumed me, until finally I was set free, and now someone else is paying for my own despicableness, the wrong person in fact.

Heart Fails You,
By Amanda G
Your heart fails you,
What's left to do?
Weep over past mistakes?
Begin life with a fresh take?
Make up your mind,
What will you leave behind?
Don’t wait
It could be too late
And then your heart fails you.

Okay this poem may seem lame, but it is honestly the first poem I have written that doesn't have to do with school work. I hope it makes sense for my situation, I am trying to distract myself so now I am gonna go clean the house, it is a cliché thing to do when you are upset but honestly it keeps your mind off what is happening and keeps you moving (I think the chemicals help a little too).

That Time Of The Week : Special

haha, I just found a website that is called redhead talk, no joke, it is a guy with red hair talking about why redheads don't go gray or something like that. Sheesh, what a loon.



Well considering I haven't updated in a long time, due to reading to many Susan Elizabeth Phillips books and starting ideas for a book that I want to write, I have decided that I am going to do a special That Time Of The Week, including a movie and a quote.

But before I do I am going to comment on a few things that have utterly annoyed me, firstly Kevin Rudd got forced out of parliament by his own party, and that back stabber Julia Gillard is now the first ever Australian female Prime Minister. I am all for women power, but only if they work for it fairly, she was not voted in by the Australian people as Prime Minister, she cheated her way to the top and all I can say is how absolutely disgusting I think that is. There was no woman power going on here, more deceit and lack of ethics on the part of an ugly red headed bitch who wasn't even born in Australia, and who has a nasal accent. I know it sounds terrible that I am saying such horrible things, but she deserves what she gets for doing that to someone who didn't deserve it. Let’s see if she can do a better job than Kevin Rudd... I doubt it!

Also I have started a book about my life, I don't know how interesting it is going to be, but if the simple life of a teenage girl can sell thousands a book that contains my humour, seriousness and life experiences has to be good enough to sell copies. So far it has just been about memories I can't actually remember because I was to young to. Anyway lets begin for the week.

So first of the bat is secret of the week...

I think this secret is true, we do all need to have secrets, if we didn't we would have no privacy. I wouldn't have a secret love for romance novels (it isn't really secret) and people wouldn't send anything into Post Secret, secrets are necessary and maybe you just have to find the right person who you can tell yours to. 

So next secret of the week is...

 

I just thought this one was so sweet, I wasn't going to choose this one for the week, instead I was going to choose one from two weeks ago about a man who doesn't feel that he is wanted so he was going to jump of the golden gate bridge. This secret made me cry, but I couldn't find it, so I had to put up another one. But I guess if he ever reads this blog (which I highly doubt, but still) I hope he will see that so many people don't even know him, but they want him to stay. Human life is so valuable to us that we don't want anyone, not even someone we don't know to hurt themself. I pray that he doesn't do anything, because his life is valuable, no matter who says it isn't, how out of place he may feel, his life is valuable. I guess we forget that about ourselves, if someone told me they planned to commit suicide I would try my hardest to stop them, but then we all have thoughts about suicide. Why is someone else's life so important to us and our own so worthless? Maybe we need to stop thinking like this, if life is so valuable, why don't we value our own? I think maybe we need to change our mindset, we have to believe and have faith in ourselves, we are all valuable, every single person is here for a reason, and you have to decide if you can have faith in yourself and make a difference to someone. This man who has sent in such a sad secret may not feel brave, or valuable, but he may have saved a life. His secret has made such a stir that it was even featured in Time magazine, people have left uplifting messages on facebook, and if this man never reads them at least one person who feels the same way would have and their precious life may have been saved.

Okay so for this week the author/s are... 

  

Yeparoonie, it is Susan Elizabeth Phillips. I can't pick one of her books because I love them all so I picked her. She is just an amazing author and again she stops me from doing school work. I have an assignment due and I am addicted to her books. So she is the author of the week. Just pleas I am warning you now, do not even pick up 'Glitter Baby,' it will ruin your view on Susan's books, 'Glitter Baby' was all about paedophiles and pathetic women who whored themselves, it turned my stomach to read, so just please pick any other book but this one of hers to read. If you have read 'Glitter Baby,' and no others of her novels and absolutely hated it, please don't give up on Susan, you will regret it, she is probably my number one author and even though she disappointed me with this book all her other books have been amazing and I mean 5 stars amazing.

Next Author is... 

   

Jennifer Crusie's 'Trust Me on This' is a really good book; she is a good author and kept me interested on every single page. I have also read 'Getting Rid of Bradley' and I really enjoyed that book as well.



Band/ singer/ song of the week, finally I have found a singer I really like it was difficult after Brendan James and his amazing voice, but this week the band/ singer/ song is...

Angel Taylor has an amazing voice, she isn't as good as Brendan but she is still amazing and I like listening to her songs.

Also this week it is the...

Glee Soundtrack I am so sad season one only has one more episode left, I am going to be sad when it is over.

Movie of the month/ week...

Yep Toy Story 3, it was so good, I made the image extra large so that the characters could be seen. I almost cried at the end, just so sweet. Great ending!

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

(Anaïs Nin)

I hate winter!

The Cutie Cartoonist

Well they guy who smells good hasn't left, he returned today. I didn't really notice him too much; I was busy paying attention to this cartoonist who is about nineteen. He is so adorable, and I say that in a masculine, adorable way. He helps out at my school sometimes, I wouldn't mind if he helped out all the time. He is so nice, and has this nerdy cuteness to him, actually he reminds me of Spencer Reed from 'Criminal Minds' you know nerdy, but you can't help but love him. I am sort of a bitch to people, and I try really hard not to be. My best friends brother, who is nine years older than me, had a argument with me today because I am not afraid to stand up for myself and if people are pissing me off I let them know about it. So I hope I wasn't mean to cutie cartoonist, because honestly I think he is too shy to handle it. I don't think I acted very interested when I spoke to him today, I mean he was talking to me acting all interested and I stood there saying "yeah I agree, blah blah blah," like I didn't care, and now I feel all stupid because I think he is so cute and stupid idiot me had to act like I wasn't interested. Oh great, can I get more ridiculous? Sheesh, soon I will have to be taken away be the men in white coats for being pathetic. I don't know what it is with me and the cute nerds; I am just so attracted to the shy. Maybe it is because I am so talkative and loud that I like those who are quite, as long as they can put an intelligent argument, well then I swoon.


Anyway I will get past this stupidness and speak about secret of the week...

I really like this secret, isn't it nice? I mean it is true. I don't think I can say much more to this secret as it is pretty self explanatory.

The Book for this week, well I am happy to be reading like a normal person, well a normal Amanda. So this week the author is...

                                  

Yes Nora Roberts, sorry to say she isn't as good a romance novelist as Susan Elizabeth Phillips, but she is good. I am currently reading the second quartet and just want to finish it so I can see what happens with Laurel, the character I actually like. The first two characters Mac and Emma I didn't really like so the books bored me, but I like Laurel and I already picked who I thought she should be within the first book, and I know I am right, which makes me just want to read it more. So the author for this week is Nora Roberts.

The music, a toughie again, I still can't seem to get over how brilliant Brendan James is to pick a band I absolutely love. So I have searched and I think this week is going to be...

 Jens Lekman is the singer of the week, he is a indie music singer and his music is odd. He has a nice sound, and lovely lips, his music is interesting. Anyway so he is the singer of the week.

Here is to cuite nerds, who are shy and don't know how cute they are, or how steamin I find them. Here is to explanitory secrets, great books, and a different sound. That is it for today. 

The Fake Wedding

I am not sure how many little girls dress up and pretend to get married; it seems to be a dream. I don't remember ever doing it though. I remember playing shops, and going shopping at a fake Franklin's, I remember playing teachers and students, but I cannot remember playing fake wedding. I know many girls that dreamed about getting married, the dress they would wear, the man that would be at their side, the bride's maid’s dresses, and the flowers. I don't have any memory of craving any of it, I still don't today. I can't see myself in a big white dress with bride’s maids and a tacky reception. It depresses me a little that I didn't have common little girl fantasies. Cinderella wasn't my favourite story, I liked sleeping beauty and snow white, but my favourite fairytale was Rumpelstiltskin, Rapunzel and Little Red Riding Hood. I thought about being a mum as a little girl, I didn't think about marriage. I remember when I was about thirteen I thought, maybe for the first time, about my wedding and the only thought I had was that the wedding dress I wore wouldn't be white. Now I think about wedding because of my sisters, and I know that I would rather just go to a Vegas chapel, quick simple and honeymoon joined into one. I don't think the perfect wedding determines the perfect marriage, if you are happy what is wrong with having a small wedding? I mean when it comes down to it all that matters is how much love you share for each other. I don't believe love is material; a 20 cent ring proposal is still a proposal. I think the thought is everything, money does not buy love or happiness, and if it did the world would be more shallow and superficial then it already is. Loving somebody is about having them, not about a three-thousand dollar engagement ring a fifty-thousand dollar wedding, being happy is all that matters, the whole world doesn't need to know that for a day, they should see it when you walk hand-in-hand down the street together.