Slack Ass

Well I should have updated my blog three days ago, but I have been busy and well lazy. I am so tired I have been busy with assignments and didn't get to bed until 1am this morning so I am probably going to go to bed after I write this post.
There is this song called cookie Jar by Jack Johnson it is about how no one ever takes responsibility for their own actions, and what the world is coming to. It was funny because my mum came across this note that my friends and I had passed around in class, it was about Jesus Return I will tell you exactly how the conversation began. "How will we believe it is Jesus when he returns? There is so much 'Magic' in this world already how will we believe it is him?" Seriously we had a whole conversation about Jesus' return, who has time to discuss Jesus' return in class? What teenager discusses something like this?
I wonder though, is there any such thing as a 'Normal Teenager?' I mean the people I am friends with and the people who I despise are not Normal. There are people who try to define what 'Normal' is by a term everyone knows, which is called 'Popularity'. Being popular is the closest thing a teenager has to being 'Normal' and that is, for some reason, all most people try to achieve. I don't think I could ever be 'Normal' even if I tried (which I wouldn't). As I said in an earlier post I happen to like who I am and if being 'Normal' stops me from being who I am than I don't want to be normal , I am probably the furthest thing from Normal than most people. I like to be myself and I have many friends who love me because I am me.
So even though my friends and I talk about the return of Jesus during boring English classes we do still get into trouble for not listening to the teacher, for instance we get our books taken off us because if we are drawing pictures while watching a movie! (how lame is my school?)
All I can say though, is be yourself because there will be people out there who like the un-normal you. I am sure they would rather the lone wolf to the herd of sheep Baahhh.
Just have fun being you, and anyone who tries to change you tell to piss off why change for those idiots?
I am rather irrational tonight, maybe it is the lack of sleep.

Long Day

Well aren't Monday's the best? It was a pretty long day today, starting with me trying to find a way to get to school. School has been back for four weeks and for some reason I am exhausted. My sister was telling me that school's are nothing like "Real Life" and that half the stuff they teach you in grade 11 and 12 I will never use again *sigh* what is the point? Okay well I know the point, the point of even trying is because I want to do creative writing in UNI, and the only way to get into UNI is to pass maths and english.
But I think I need to put some extra work in. Anyway I didn't really think about what I was going to write about tonight. I have been busy trying to work out school. So this is a really dull, boring post I suppose. But I am trying to keep them going everyday, even if I have nothing to talk about.
I dunno when I will start talking about my 9 life changing days, I suppose when I have less work I need to do and have more focus on my life. I wonder if teachers know how hard it is to do school work when all I can really think about is other things (usually in the form of tall, broad chest-ed men, with thick dark hair). Maybe they should start school earlier and finish it earlier, because I'm not really into all this school study 2 and a half hours a day crap.
One of the things I am thinking about doing is getting my hair cut short, at least then it will be easy to control and will look better... I suppose that is a change, just not a life changing one. Unless I meet a spunky guy at the hairdressers and we fall madly in love. (HAHA I doubt it, look how school turns me) what a fantasy.

Bullying

It's alright if you cry and cover your eyes
It's okay if you scream, like a girl
I won't tell anyone if you promise the same
Because I'm scared of the whole world.
(Donora - The Chorus)
This fits my mood.
Well I finally changed my blog template. It wasn't as hard as I originally thought it would be, I just had to Extract the files or something, but it worked!
So why am I upset? Well you would think it is because my sister and her fiance have moved out, it is a little I suppose. The real reason I am upset is because of my almost-brother-in-laws Stepfather. It sounds stupid, but his stepfather is an ass-hole. He said that I was fat while I was standing right there listening to him, in front of people I don't even know.
I hate people who think they have the right to POINT things about me when they don't even know me. I lied about saying I didn't hear him to my sister, I didn't want her to feel sorry for me. It really isn't fair though, I was bullied for years and then this guy who thinks he is the sexiest man alive (more like the most swetty-beer-bellied man in the world) thinks he can say shit about me! I am pretty disgusted by what he said, I don't want to talk to him ever again!
I wonder if anyone ever really gets over being bullied, I mean I haven't and I haven't really been bullied for years. I mean what that ass-hole said is a form of bullying, but I can handle that more than I could as a kid. Bullying tore me down when I was younger, I wanted to end my life because of it. So does it ever leave you? Does that constant self-loathing ever really go? You grow up, you get tough and you weaken, but will it affect you for the rest of your life?
There is this song by Matt Hires that is called Out of the Dark, it is so beautiful. He talks about someone helping him out of the dark, asking someone to save him. Maybe that is what we all do in our own way. I asked God to save me, I found him when I needed him. But what if you don't have someone to save you? I don't think being bullied is ever going to leave me. I will always fear what people are going to say about me, because for so long I believed every word they said. I hated myself, I thought I was what they labeled me as. But they were wrong and it has taken me years to finally start loving myself and knowing I am more than they ever believed I would be.
Don't believe what people say about you to be true, they want you to believe it and they are probably more wrong then you would ever think. Be true to yourself and don't try to please everyone, if they can't love you for you then they can't love you at all. Love yourself, believe in yourself, because people will try and stop you from having hope in yourself and the only way for you to win is to know that they are wrong.
Don't turn mean, be nice to everyone because you will want to be treated the same way. People will use your goodness against you, so know when to say NO, it is always okay to say no. Grow from your past, forgive all the wrongs, you may never forget but at least you will live with a free heart.
I know I am not perfect, far from it. I have people in my life that love me for me and people who hate me. People who think I am beautiful and those who think I am gross. Those who love to be around me and those who hate to. Those who I can trust with my heart and those who hurt me. I am never going to have the perfect life, but an equal ballance of good and bad is all I hope for.
The most important, is that I love myself and I belive not that I am beautiful but that I am okay and okay is good enough for now.

Scars

Well I seem to be having some difficulty changing my blog template, everytime I do it comes up with an error in the XML or something. So it looks like my page is going to be boring for a while.
Scars, aren't the wonderful things? I have many and I am sure most people have some. Some can be seen and some are internal. Scars tell stories about your life, the journey you have been on to get where you are. If you are afraid of people seeing your scars, don't be. The reason scars have the appeal they do is because people want to know how you got them. It is likely a person will want to listen to how you got a scar, more than they will want to hear about your day.
The reason I brought up scars is because there is this guy I met, he had this scar on the upper part of his arm. It was a large wound and looked like it had happened a long time ago. Me, being the nosey person I am, asked him how he got it. He looked so uncomfortable answering my question that I instantly regretted asking. I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable I was just curious. I didn't think asking someone about a scar could cause so much pain, but it does for some people.
For the rest of the afternoon I stayed away from the young guy who's scar I asked about. I thought he needed some time. That night he had seemed to forget that I noticed his scar (I hadn't). We started talking and I found out a bit about his life. He was a really nice guy and he seemed to be strong even though he had a hard life. His scar reminded him of a time he didn't want to remember, it was a constant reminder.
I have learnt from this experience to not let my curiosity get the best of me. I wouldn't like to put anyone, or myself, in the same situation again. Yes, scars are interesting, but make sure a person tells you about them in their own time, other wise you could be opening up their internal wounds.

Who knew that 9 days could be so life changing?

Have you ever had that one moment that changed your life, for better or worst?

This is what I am going to be focusing on, not just 9 days that have changed my life, but all the moments that have made an impact on it. Starting with tonight

Tonight I went to a youth event with my friend. I was sitting in the pew listening to the band play and I felt like I was drowning and that I could only just make it from the barrier where the water ends and air begins. I have enough time to take a breath of air and than I am back to where I was before, drowning.

I needed help, so I prayed to god, in the middle of screaming kids and singers and my friend, I prayed a silent prayer, asking god to save me from this sea. I asked him to guide me... From what I didn't know all I knew was that I needed help.

In a strange way he guided me to start this blog, to talk out my issues. To be the writer I have wanted to be for so long. God gave me a sign sitting there listening to the terrible band. He made me realise that I may seem lost sometimes, like I am drowning, but I will always have a story to tell. I don't need to find inspiration beacuse my inspiration is my life experiences.

9 Days were life changing in my life, but those 9 days would be nothing without my whole life.

Lets hope I can swim from this sea that plans on drowning me. I also hope this blog will help anyone else who feels as if they are drowning.