Bullying

It's alright if you cry and cover your eyes
It's okay if you scream, like a girl
I won't tell anyone if you promise the same
Because I'm scared of the whole world.
(Donora - The Chorus)
This fits my mood.
Well I finally changed my blog template. It wasn't as hard as I originally thought it would be, I just had to Extract the files or something, but it worked!
So why am I upset? Well you would think it is because my sister and her fiance have moved out, it is a little I suppose. The real reason I am upset is because of my almost-brother-in-laws Stepfather. It sounds stupid, but his stepfather is an ass-hole. He said that I was fat while I was standing right there listening to him, in front of people I don't even know.
I hate people who think they have the right to POINT things about me when they don't even know me. I lied about saying I didn't hear him to my sister, I didn't want her to feel sorry for me. It really isn't fair though, I was bullied for years and then this guy who thinks he is the sexiest man alive (more like the most swetty-beer-bellied man in the world) thinks he can say shit about me! I am pretty disgusted by what he said, I don't want to talk to him ever again!
I wonder if anyone ever really gets over being bullied, I mean I haven't and I haven't really been bullied for years. I mean what that ass-hole said is a form of bullying, but I can handle that more than I could as a kid. Bullying tore me down when I was younger, I wanted to end my life because of it. So does it ever leave you? Does that constant self-loathing ever really go? You grow up, you get tough and you weaken, but will it affect you for the rest of your life?
There is this song by Matt Hires that is called Out of the Dark, it is so beautiful. He talks about someone helping him out of the dark, asking someone to save him. Maybe that is what we all do in our own way. I asked God to save me, I found him when I needed him. But what if you don't have someone to save you? I don't think being bullied is ever going to leave me. I will always fear what people are going to say about me, because for so long I believed every word they said. I hated myself, I thought I was what they labeled me as. But they were wrong and it has taken me years to finally start loving myself and knowing I am more than they ever believed I would be.
Don't believe what people say about you to be true, they want you to believe it and they are probably more wrong then you would ever think. Be true to yourself and don't try to please everyone, if they can't love you for you then they can't love you at all. Love yourself, believe in yourself, because people will try and stop you from having hope in yourself and the only way for you to win is to know that they are wrong.
Don't turn mean, be nice to everyone because you will want to be treated the same way. People will use your goodness against you, so know when to say NO, it is always okay to say no. Grow from your past, forgive all the wrongs, you may never forget but at least you will live with a free heart.
I know I am not perfect, far from it. I have people in my life that love me for me and people who hate me. People who think I am beautiful and those who think I am gross. Those who love to be around me and those who hate to. Those who I can trust with my heart and those who hurt me. I am never going to have the perfect life, but an equal ballance of good and bad is all I hope for.
The most important, is that I love myself and I belive not that I am beautiful but that I am okay and okay is good enough for now.