Someone Told Me

Some One Told Me
I'm told that fate makes fun of us,
that it gives us nothing and promises everything,
when happiness seems to be within our reach,
we reach out and find ourselves like fools.
yet someone told me...
That you still loved me,
someone told me that you still love me...That you still loved me.
Well? could that be possible?~ Quelqu' un m' a dit (Translation) - Carla Bruni

Sick

Well I am pretty sick, I was at school yesterday and had to get sent home because I thought I was going to be sick. Today I woke up and felt like the walking dead. It is strange how you can be sick without any warning, this morning I felt terrible and now I am feeling okay. I don't think I am sick enough to need to see a doctor, more exhausted then anything. I haven't had that much sleep though, my house is so noisy all the walls are just too thin I wish they were thick and that I didn't live where so many cars drove past everyday. So while I have been s
ick, I decided I would watch a movie. The problem with watching a movie though, is the fact that I have seen all the DVD's we own at least three times each and the ones I have only seen once aren't even worth watching again. I ended up putting on In Her Shoes, it is a good movie and I love Jennifer Weiner books, even though I haven't read In Her Shoes it would have to be a good movie.

So while I was sitting there watching a chick-flick, I happened to remember something that my friends mums partner said to me while we spent a few days at the beach. I was watching the remake of Pearl Harbour, with Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. I was sitting there enjoying the movie even though I had started watching it halfway through (I had seen it before) which hadn't bothered me. I wasn't paying much attention to anyone else, and my friends mums partner decided to talk to me. He is pretty stupid, he points out the obvious as if none of us know what is going on. So anyway, I am sitting there watching Pearl Harbour, which is a love story, and he sits down next to me and says in the stupidest 'occa' accent ever, " I didn't think you would like this movie. It is a guy type movie, it isn't something girls would be interested in." Honestly I don't hate men, I don't trust them, but I don't hate them. But when men say things to me like this I automatically get mad, I can't help it. Why can't a girl like an action movie? Is there this rule that says 'girls-cannot-like-action-movies?'
So I turned around, and because I am nice I said, " Really?... I love this movie, it happens to be one of my favourites! I guess it has something to do with the whole love story, gotta love Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett." and I turned around and watched the movie. He didn't say anything to me after that. I guess it was strange to add in the spunky actor thing, but I thought it made me sound super girlie, which was fine by me at the time.

I wouldn't say that I am a feminist, but I can't stand the double standards. Because I am a girl I will get freaked out in a scary movie? Because I am a girl I will hate action movies? Because I am a girl I will love all chick-flicks, even the ridiculous ones that are so embarrassing?
It is funny how all of these things are just thought by the majority of the oppisite sex.
The only scary movie I actually got scared in was The Strangers, and that was because some dick at the cinemas decided to walk around in a mask and come out of no-where and scare the whole cinema, including the men!
I enjoy action movies, in-fact, while watching them I usually give directions to the characters without knowing what I am doing, and I usually guess what is going to happen halfway through the movie.
Chick-Flicks are great, but that genre of movie is not the only type I like to watch. I think some chick-flicks are getting sappier and sappier and most of them portray women to be pathetic. Women who sit and watch their home phones all day for 'that guy to call' or who forgive their cheating Ex boyfriends. I also find chick-flicks to be very predictable, girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, girl wants boy to feel the same way, boy finally notices girl, girl and boy fall in love, happily ever after. Sure some happen to be good, but most follow that same story line which makes me want to go to sleep (maybe I should put one on). zzzz...

So how about, rather than making generalisations towards sexes, you get to know someone before assuming the only movies guys like are action and the only movies girls like are chick-flicks. Because I know a lot of guys that have watched the 'Notebook' and loved it. I also know many girls who can sit and watch 'Law Abiding Citizen' and absolutely love it. So for any stupid girl, or guy out there, think before you make a stupid comment about the opposite sex, because they just might surprise you.

Violence

There is a saying that many people use "Violence doesn't solve anything". It is likely someone has said that to you at one point or another. This saying is mostly accurate, wars don't solve anything, in fact they seem to make a situation much worse. But in some ways, is violence the only answer? It is the only way out of something that seems so difficult that there is nothing else you can do? I will put the question out there, do you think violence solves anything?
This is a touchy-feely subject. Just like anything in life, it is not black and white, and yet it is seen as if it is.The term 'Violence' seems very harsh, and usually it is. But violence, isn't just physical. Violence: an action intended to cause destruction, pain or suffering. The hatefull words people use, to make another suffer is a form of violence. If someone was being violent towards you, wouldn't the logical thing to do is be violent back? We are told that violence is bad, but sometimes it is the only way to defend ourselves. The word violence sounds harsh because the action is harsh. I am not saying violence is right, but being violent changes from situation from situation.

We are faced with different issues everyday, and if I was smart I would probably keep a journal of the emotions I feel at the time. I don't ever seem to stop thinking about everything and anything. Over the past week I have had a lot of time to think, and yet no time to write. I get upset when I can't right but I would prefer sleep than write. what made me bring up violence? Well apart from learning about Nazi Germany, or maybe it was my friend telling me about how some guys were violent towards her. Or maybe it was just the violence I have experienced. Whatever the reason though, I seem to have a strong oppinion on most things. Violence? I am not sure how I feel about it, overall I think violence isn't needed, but sometimes it may be...

There is no news on my half sister, in fact Jane has been so slack she is never in the mood to email her back and she told me that she "doesn't know what to say." I suppose I would be better at that, wanting to be the writer in the family and all. But I guess we both just need time to get use to the idea. How much time is my issue, My niece is growing up quickly and is a cute little bub, so we should make our decision soon.

Virginity

It is the question that everyone seems to want to know, are you a virgin or not. If the answer is not, the question then is, why not. I am religious, so it is easy for me to say I am a virgin because of my religion. But for those who aren't religious, how would they answer? The reason I bring this up is because I got asked a few days ago if I was a virgin and why hadn't I had sex. What is the simple answer? If you say you've had sex, are you automatically cool? Or by saying you are a virgin, are you automatically lame? There is so much pressure. I am nothing until I have a boyfriend and I am nothing to that boyfriend unless I am willing to have sex. But why? Why can't it be easy for me to say I am waiting until marriage? Why does it always seem like as soon as I say something along those lines, people instantly stop talking and act all odd around me? The same with girls who have had sex with more than one guy everyone seems to label them a slut. You can never win!... it is okay to have sex, but it is not okay to be pressured into sex, but yet most people who I know who have had sex, have been underage and therefore pressured. It is okay to say NO, and if a guy says something along these lines, "you would if you loved me," simply be brave and say "if you loved me you would wait". As I said it is okay to have sex as long as you are comfortable and it is also okay to be a virgin if that is what you want.

This also brings up another matter, guys. You are not cool just because you have had sex and you are not a loser because you haven't. Being a virgin myself, I tend to respect guys who are also virgins and who are willing to admit that they are. My sisters EX boyfriend was 22 and he was still a virgin, and yet the whole time they were dating he let my sister believe that he had, had sex before. When they had broken up, he told her he was still a virgin. My sister couldn't believe he had lied to her for so long, a 6 month relationship and the whole time she thought he wasn't a virgin. She talked to me about it and said that she constantly felt like he was pressuring her to have sex, and that if he had told her he was a virgin she would have respected him, because she knows how hard that is for a guy. It takes a lot of courage to say you are a virgin, but if you find the right person they will not judge you for your choice.

Virginity is a special thing, just look at the girl who has put her virginity up for auction and ended up getting something like $3.7 million for it, if someone is willing to pay that much for someone's virginity it has to be an important thing, right?
Well I suppose you can make your own decisions, but I know that from now on I am not going to care when people ask me if I am a virgin, and I am not going to use the excuse that I am religious even though that is the truth, it just doesn't seem right. Instead I am going to say "Yes I am a virgin, because I am not ready to have sex, and won't be ready until I am married." it won't matter what their reaction is, because I will be able to deal with it.


Anyway I got an email from my half sister on Sunday, she sent it to Jane and I. My family history is that I have a half brother who I grew up with and who kinda sucked as an older brother, but I will always love him for trying to protect Jane and I when we were kids. I have a full blooded older sister named Jane, it sounds bad but I love her more than I love any of my other siblings, the two people I love the most in the world are my mum and Jane. Anyway, Jane and I also have another half sibling, she is our sperm donors (This is how we refer to our biological father) daughter, both Jane and I have only met her once in our whole lives, that was only for one day on her birthday. Anyway, we don't know anything about her, and because of this I unfortunately don't love her and honestly if something happened to her I wouldn't feel to much. Jane and I have been through a lot in our lives, and our half sister hasn't been through as much, but she has still had a hard life because of the sperm donor. He didn't believe she was his daughter for years and made her get a DNA test (sick bastard) even though he said on her birth certificate that he would look after her for the rest of his life. The poor girl had to prove that she was related to the bastard why anyone would want to be related to him I will never know, I think her mum just wanted the money. Anyway I never really thought much about her, I mean I had Jane and as far as I was concerened she was the only sister I ever needed.
So we get this email from our long lost sister, and she tells us a little about her past and how she has just had a baby and that Bec and I are officially Aunties. So I have been talking to mum more about it, and she has told me quite a lot about what other stuff the sperm donor did to our sister that just makes me hate him even more. I think about it though and she is actually lucky she never had the creep as a father, I mean Jane and I did and it was the most painful childhood. I know it must of been hard not having a father, but it was about 100 times worse having our father. She might have felt terrible that this guy didn't want to be a part of her life, but it feels much worse to have a father who is sick in the head and treats you like you are no better than garbage and who eventually chooses drugs over you. I mean he chose another family over her, which is hurtful, but it better then feeling like you are a piece of shit everyday and then finally one day that person who will never love you like a father should decides to pick drugs over you. I have been left with serious emotional scars from him and like I commented in an older post feel like I am drowning. She really was really the one who escaped a terrible childhood.
Anyway I don't know what to do about this new discovery. She seems really nice, but do I really want her to be a part of my life. I mean this is my chance to know her, and I don't know if I want to. I haven't even spoken to Jane about it, I have barely spoken to her since she moved out and I miss her. I want her to decide for me. It sounds bad, considering my last post, but this isn't a decision I can make alone, and I am not sure I want to make it at all. The sperm donor caused me to go into depression and I have finally started to get better, much better in fact. I am happy, really happy and I don't want this happiness to be like Charlie Brown happiness, I want it to stay this way. I don't want to forget my childhood, but I don't want to relive it like I did for so many years. So I have to do what is best I guess, even though I am not sure what that is yet. I will know soon enough.

The Jesus Freak

Well what can I say? There are a few things that I want to talk about. The first being my family starting with my sister. My sister is the lucky one in my family, most families have a lucky one. She is beautiful, smart, has the best figure, people love her and seem to float around her, she found the love of her life young and is marrying him, she doesn't need to worry about work because her fiance works in construction and earns good money and all she has to do is have fun with whatever she chooses. To say who I am I really have to include her, she is my big sister and I have always looked up to her. I have always wanted to look and be like her, and I suppose I have always been jealous. Jealous of how easy she has life, she has never had to work hard to be loved, wanted or needed I am always her sister and she is never mine, which simply means that people know who she is and will describe who I am by describing my sister "oh your Jane's sister". People know me because they know her.
My sister and I have been through a lot together, but I believe her battle with the world has ended and mine has just begun. In so many ways we are differet, in fact I can only think of two things we really share, high cheek bones and similar voices. I tried to be like my sister for so long, and now I am finally being my own person, it is hard to grow up and to learn that who I am is okay, especially when people like to stop me from feeling that way. But I need to be me because, I am nothing like my sister, and yes she is beautiful and popular, but I am head and heart strong. I am smart and know that no matter what I do, overall I want to be a writer one day and I will live through all my heartache and pain to get to where I want to be.
Next topic I want to talk about is the family that I have neglected for years. I found out that my cousin has quite a few issues, thanks to her mother (my aunt) never wanting her. I have trouble trusting men because my father didn't want my sister or I. My cousin needs to feel close to people. It is sad how our parents can screw us up. I love my mum, but I believe she didn't always do what was best for my sister and I even though she tried to. My aunt didn't try to do what was best for her daughter in fact she didn't seem to like her kids. But that doesn't make what you do right, I mean you do know what is right and wrong and even if your parents have screwed you up, you should still be able to tell the difference.
Okay so why the title The Jesus Freak well my auntie came down to visit us last night and I told her a story about someone I met at a church a few months back. As soon as she heard the word Church straight away she though Amanda believes in God, she is a church going freak, who has turned all religious and is going to force it down my throat. Some good gossip to go home with. So my auntie will go back to the little town she crawled out from and tell all my family and all her friends that I have turned into a Jesus Loving Freak so I decided because she didn't want to listen to a thing I said anymore and she wants to go home telling people that I am religious, being religious to my auntie is like worshiping the devil. I am not kidding, actually if I pulled out a ouija board and started worshiping the devil it would be less worrying to my auntie than believing in God. So what am I going to do to get back at her? Well I am going to make her super uncomfortable when I see her next. I am going to wear my mums cross and pray before I eat, and all the things that will scare her back home. I don't really mind if she spreads rumors as long as she has good cause to, so I am gonna give her something to gossip about. It sounds mean and yes my plan has been dissaproved, but she needs to learn a lesson that she shouldn't generalise people and their cultures.

A Serious Case of the Uglies

The Uglies! I know it sounds pretty mean doesn't it, but it does cover quite a few things. Like for instance the brother of one of your friends who is highly unattractive in behaviour and looks. Imagine a chubby, wildly curly haired, nerd, who just happens to have thick rimmed glasses and play computer games, XBOX, and playstation 3 and is tired and ready to go to bed at 11pm on New Years Eve, who is only 17! Well this is the type of guy I am talking about. Sure many guys also fit into the Uglies category, but for tonight I am just talking about ... for reasons unknown I am gonna call him XBOX nerd, sound good? well I hope it does.

A Serious Case of the Uglies is, well, an Uglie who happens to have a crush on you. But oh no in my case not only one Uglie, one time, more like all Uglies, all the time. And today I found out the XBOX nerd likes me, I should have read the signs, but well I don't like to. The thing is, is not what he looks like, but more about how he acts. I don't really care to much for looks, even though I tell my family I do, I care more about personality, because that will win. I think I like guys who can make me comfortable and XBOX nerd can not!... So my question is what do I do? I mean sure this happens often, I don't know why it is I attract strange guys like XBOX nerd but I do and I have to live with it.

WHY ME? WHY NOW?... Maybe Jenny Holzer might have some inspirational artwork that might help me in my predicament... Or maybe not, I am sure she has better things to worry about then someone having a Serious Case of the Uglies. How sad for me.

Well that is really all I had to say, which is pretty sad when you think about it. *Sad Face*